My Experience With Porn

I keep rewriting this post. I have no clear direction on what I want this post to be. There are so many topics out there but nothing seems right. I love writing for all you lovelies, but there is something holding me back today. It’s as if some portion of me was ripped out, making it hard to be satisifed with whatever I write. 

I feel like I need to write something personal. Everything else feels too forced. So, today let me tell you something about myself. I believe that I’ve written on here that I’ve struggled wth porn. I’m almost at 2 months being clean from it. I don’t really want to talk about my thoughts on porn. Instead I want to talk about my experience with porn.

I honestly don’t remember when it was that I first watched porn. Probably junior high or high school. Curiosity is the only reason that I can think of for my first watch. Eventually it became a comfort. It was a way to relieve anxiety and tension. My anxiety can be overwhelming at times and this was a temporary fix. 

Eventually my anxiety got worse. My coping mechanism was biting me in the ass. It was like porn had a vice gribe on me. It became harder to breathe. The thing is, I wasn’t addicted the first few years that I watched. It became a habit during times of boredom. Then my use changed from times of boredom to anxiety. 

Once porn had a hold on me I literally felt as though it was holding onto my heart tightly. At times it felt like I couldn’t breathe. Not only because of the hold on my heart, but the pressure was becoming too much. For so long I had played the role of “Little Miss Perfect” and I could feel that mask crumbling down. I started to hate myself. It wasn’t because I watched porn. I hated myself because I was losing control of my life. I didn’t recognize myself.

Porn doesn’t have the abiliy to control someone. The screen wasn’t brainwashing me. What it did was take my insecurities and twist them. I’ve always been insecure and had trouble feeling loved. Watching porn maginified it. With those insecurities swollowing me whole, I fell into a depression. I felt so alone. I had no one to talk to aside from the peope who followed my other two blogs. 

This last year has been better. Yes, I’ve relapsed and lapsed a few times. The thing that is important is that I’ve gotten back up and not let those falls define me. I haven’t stayed down. Honestly, where I am right now is a much better place then I’ve been in a while. I’m still struggling with my own intimacy issues. I will forever be struggling with them. The thing is, I am now able to face it instead of run. I’m more honest with myself. I now try to turn to healthy alternatives to move forward. 

I hope to use my life and my expereicnes to help others. This blog is my way of doing it now. I want to do it on a professional level, but I want to be more removed from my own addiction and need to work on a few more things in my life. 

So, lovely people of the internet, this is my experience. It’s only a fraction of it, but I felt like I needed this. I needed to share something real. I’ve been feeling out of it and needed something more. Something not surface. Maybe I’ll post more like this. I will definately continue with the various relationship topics. 

If any of you lovelies what to share your experience or have questions/comments on this or any other topic feel free to share it in the comments or use the contact tab. I look forward to hearing from you. 

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